Stream of Consciousness

Ok, I admit to heavily preparing my posts before publishing them. I'm midly paranoid about not coming across as another geeky teenager who seems to think he's cleverer than he is. And on the other hand I don't want to come across as a novice or just plain wierd.

In fact I often wonder how wierd people see me as, after all, I'm mentally unstable and generally socially inept. I always listen to what strangers say when they pass me and always assume that they're talking about me, I panic that I look strange, dressed wierdly or come across as a complete nutjob even if they're talking about each others shoes, it's just who I am. Although sometimes I assume they're saying something nice to me as well.

I just realised that I've started to turn this unprepared, spontaneous speech in to something which is actually pretty deep and revealing. I often restrain from talking about myself anyway and I guess this is a kind of release. I think I'm a very interesting person, psychologically, not particularly physically. I have a great life and a good childhood, which I'm constantly grateful for, I wonder sometimes why I act the way I do, I try not to think of myself as selfish or ungrateful in this way because that often leads to me being more depressed. I said not particularly physically but I'm not sure if that was the right word to use, what I meant to imply was that interesting things rarely happen in my life. Sometimes I crave excitement, my life is great, but there's no excitement. Even if it's something bad, it can be good if it's exciting. I worry that this could lead to trouble but maybe I only worry this because worrying is exciting. It's probably fiction that distorts my view this way. When David, my phsychiatrist, asked what I wanted I said that I 'want to be fiction'. Life has no story, I know this, but I like to think that it has. I often practice a kind of doublethink, pretending certain things didn't happen when I reall;y know they did. It's a bad habit but it makes life seem like a much simpler place.
'The world is what you want it to be' I once scrawled somewhere.
Do I seek normality? What is normality? Would I know what normality feels like? A landscape through a kalaedoscope. A happy place, what everyone wants. Those who have paradise will always want more. Two lovers placed in a room will eventually learn to hate each other at some point. A crowded room full of people who can't see me, when I speak, who listens? Is conversation better when it is written down? Flaws can be evident over time, but that does not create a bad person. One shouldn't be predicted. My country is invaded my Nazis. A plane goes missing. A nursery has burnt and I pretend this doesn't happen. On the occasion that I feel something, I cry. People can be disguises, am I wearing one? Disguises to entertain, people are trends and people are performances and maybe I am just me. Restrained emotion can eat away inside you. 'The problem is Tim, what length can you go to to express yourself?' -David. The receptionist at the clinic called me a nut. Opinion is not truth. Dissapear Here.

I guess I'm just a happy boy that worries too much.