I've been a coward for just about as long as I can think. I wasn't born a coward, who is born anything? I was born a baby and so were most people. I suppose not most people are still babies at my age. My mummy and daddy aren't really important in this story because it was anger that made me, anger not as an abstract but as a person. And I never really understand anger as an abstract, I got and still get angry but I try to do what my mummy says and take a deep breath and bottle it up, though I don't know why we say 'bottle it up' because that suggests I'm going to use all this anger for something but I can't honestly think what I'd ever use it for.
Anger was always angry as you'd expect and he would scream and shout and throw things and hit me sometimes. I'm not quite sure why he thought that being angry would make something better because it only make things worse, you can't really act rationally angry, if you're angry at something else then you'll be really angry at little things like cleaning the dishes or not being able to find the remote. Most people would respond to anger by being angry, even angrier at them, then the angry person would get angrier still. Now to me that's more anger than you need so I never got angry and kept doing what my mammy kept saying. So I became a coward instead. Anger doesn't like cowards but then anger doesn't like anyone, maybe that's because he's angry or he's angry because he doesn't like anyone, one of those. Anger hits me for being a coward and gets more angry so I suppose I haven't done anything on my part.
If I wasn't a coward I would be the joker. Now the joker scares me because he doesn't care about anything, he can't take things seriously he just tells jokes. And everybody else is scared of the joker. But that's what you get for not getting angry: you become a coward or you become a joker. Just for doing what your mamma told you. I can't say I understand it. But as far as I can see I will always be a coward, and maybe sometimes I will be the joker but I hope not often. It's a sad little prospect and anger would never change because like I said he hates people and he would never be able to connect with them. I don't hate people though.
and I suppose that's why I will always beat anger in a way.
Thursday 17 December 2009
Monday 14 December 2009
Pot Noodle in a Sieve
Dear God, if you've got the time here is a list of people I would like you to kill;
The prats off the gold exchange adverts
The prats off most other adverts
Nick Griffin
Louis Walsh
Danni Minogue
Michael Buble
Jordan and the prat she does all those programmes about
Silvio Berlusconi
Mark Wahlberg
Louis Walsh
Anne Robinson
Donny Osmond
The creator of Twighlight -and no I'm not going to even bother looking up his/her/the malevolent androgynous force of evil's name.
Jack Frost- as in the one who makes roads slippery not the moustachey David Jason.
Louis Walsh
Whoever changed Desperate Dan.
The American fellow who says that Santa Claus is the reason for obese kids and should be changed to be more healthy.
Right, that's over with.
Now I'm eating a Pot Noodle with a sieve because this seems like the logical approach to easting a Pot Noodle which would usually be 20% food and 80% greasy drink which means I have to fish around like a starving polar bear for slivers of mushroom to eat. and meanwhile, Wilson is zipping Pacman-esque around the house swallowing everything he happens to come across, often without chewing. And who the frak do PRS for Music think they are calling me up and telling me I can't listen to music on a CD player or radio because I haven't got a license? Where did this come from? What has the world come to?
Anyway I feel inclined to lighten up the mood of recent blogs the way things are going so I'll highlight all the good things that are happening in the world.
It's Jesus' birthday. (But don't remind him how old he is)
School is over or nearly over for this year.
We are young, we run green, keep our teeth nice and clean. (Keep our teeth nice and clean? What's that all about? Have you got nothing else better to do with your youth that to take meticulous care of your dental hygeine?) and yes as Supergrass said, we're alright.
P.S Don't take my list as some serious fascist statement. It's just a wee joke.
The prats off the gold exchange adverts
The prats off most other adverts
Nick Griffin
Louis Walsh
Danni Minogue
Michael Buble
Jordan and the prat she does all those programmes about
Silvio Berlusconi
Mark Wahlberg
Louis Walsh
Anne Robinson
Donny Osmond
The creator of Twighlight -and no I'm not going to even bother looking up his/her/the malevolent androgynous force of evil's name.
Jack Frost- as in the one who makes roads slippery not the moustachey David Jason.
Louis Walsh
Whoever changed Desperate Dan.
The American fellow who says that Santa Claus is the reason for obese kids and should be changed to be more healthy.
Right, that's over with.
Now I'm eating a Pot Noodle with a sieve because this seems like the logical approach to easting a Pot Noodle which would usually be 20% food and 80% greasy drink which means I have to fish around like a starving polar bear for slivers of mushroom to eat. and meanwhile, Wilson is zipping Pacman-esque around the house swallowing everything he happens to come across, often without chewing. And who the frak do PRS for Music think they are calling me up and telling me I can't listen to music on a CD player or radio because I haven't got a license? Where did this come from? What has the world come to?
Anyway I feel inclined to lighten up the mood of recent blogs the way things are going so I'll highlight all the good things that are happening in the world.
It's Jesus' birthday. (But don't remind him how old he is)
School is over or nearly over for this year.
We are young, we run green, keep our teeth nice and clean. (Keep our teeth nice and clean? What's that all about? Have you got nothing else better to do with your youth that to take meticulous care of your dental hygeine?) and yes as Supergrass said, we're alright.
P.S Don't take my list as some serious fascist statement. It's just a wee joke.
Sunday 13 December 2009
Paradise Misplaced
So Adam said to God:
Listen, I'm sorry mate. We didn't expect things to get so out of hand. We never even seen all this evil before. Eden so perfect and everything. I mean when you made New Zealand you never made any predators, so I could lead a kiwi straight in to a den of tigers and they would realise what would happen to them and the kiwi would get eaten cause it's fat and blind and it can't fly. It's kind of like that. Do you know what I mean? Of course you do. Now I realise all the things like hunger and pain and tiredness and boredom and, well, it really sucks.
Obviously you knew everything that was going to happen all along, 'cause you're immense. So you knew we'd eat from that tree, isn't that why you put it there? Or did you put it there? Anyway, that tree was always there, so things weren't always perfect were they? Wow, that's pretty, like, cosmic to think about.
Anyway, what I don't get is, why do our kids have to suffer for this? I mean it's just a point but me and Eve are a bit, like, miffed about that bit, no offense. Cain has been a bit off lately and Abel's working his socks off. If we're expecting an expansion of the human race here -which by the way is something I really need to talk to you about later- then, well, you know, there's only so much guilt I can take. There gonna have to pay for TV licenses and queue at the post office and clean up dog shit all because of this. I mean, I think I got the point.
You know, if people are going to believe in you. Not that I doubt your believability or anything, you're completely believable. I mean, as invisible omniscient forces go, you're definitely one of the most believable. But, this whole original sin/unjust world thing is a bit of damper, let's be honest. And for some reason people are going to point out that there's bad in the world as if all the religious folk didn't know that already and some thickos are going to say 'hey, he's right' and there'll be mass conversion to atheism. For some reason I think this will happen. I also get a feeling that people might get all woried about the fact that suffering exists and start making up there own theories. Like 'why was the tree there in the first place?' and a lot of people are gonna forget the point that suffering exists no matter what people try to do about it.
At the end of the day, I admit we really screwed up here and we're sorry about that, just.... don't get in a knot about it alright?
Anyway, like I said, just a point.
Keep me posted.
See ya.
Listen, I'm sorry mate. We didn't expect things to get so out of hand. We never even seen all this evil before. Eden so perfect and everything. I mean when you made New Zealand you never made any predators, so I could lead a kiwi straight in to a den of tigers and they would realise what would happen to them and the kiwi would get eaten cause it's fat and blind and it can't fly. It's kind of like that. Do you know what I mean? Of course you do. Now I realise all the things like hunger and pain and tiredness and boredom and, well, it really sucks.
Obviously you knew everything that was going to happen all along, 'cause you're immense. So you knew we'd eat from that tree, isn't that why you put it there? Or did you put it there? Anyway, that tree was always there, so things weren't always perfect were they? Wow, that's pretty, like, cosmic to think about.
Anyway, what I don't get is, why do our kids have to suffer for this? I mean it's just a point but me and Eve are a bit, like, miffed about that bit, no offense. Cain has been a bit off lately and Abel's working his socks off. If we're expecting an expansion of the human race here -which by the way is something I really need to talk to you about later- then, well, you know, there's only so much guilt I can take. There gonna have to pay for TV licenses and queue at the post office and clean up dog shit all because of this. I mean, I think I got the point.
You know, if people are going to believe in you. Not that I doubt your believability or anything, you're completely believable. I mean, as invisible omniscient forces go, you're definitely one of the most believable. But, this whole original sin/unjust world thing is a bit of damper, let's be honest. And for some reason people are going to point out that there's bad in the world as if all the religious folk didn't know that already and some thickos are going to say 'hey, he's right' and there'll be mass conversion to atheism. For some reason I think this will happen. I also get a feeling that people might get all woried about the fact that suffering exists and start making up there own theories. Like 'why was the tree there in the first place?' and a lot of people are gonna forget the point that suffering exists no matter what people try to do about it.
At the end of the day, I admit we really screwed up here and we're sorry about that, just.... don't get in a knot about it alright?
Anyway, like I said, just a point.
Keep me posted.
See ya.
Friday 11 December 2009
Dear University of Glamorgan, Piss Off
"XX replied to a thread on Facebook"
fuck off
Seriously, go away, I've had enough of it. I haven't had a seriously worthwhile e-mail in months, like University of Glamorgan that keeps emailing and sending letters like an obsessive stalker fan telling me to apply, and saying 'do not reply' but I did with the simple two words 'piss off' and they sent me a letter back saying 'thanks for your enquiry, there are plenty of ways of managing student finace, if you visit our website you can see our awards....' what's that all about? And people who take pictures of their crunched up bellies that momentarily resemble six-packs and set it as their msn picture, fuck off. And people who keep whining about their university applications and driving tests and individual investigations and essays, I really don't want to hear about it. And people who show off about knowing all of Hotel California on the electric guitar their mum bought them, not interested. And people who do nothing but stay at home criticising people's spelling and blogging about other people's annoying personal habits you can, well, never mind.
Anyway, I was looking in the Twister cupboard. (The door in my room that leads to a secret cavern like area where no one goes unless for Twister related party emergencies.) And found among many things, about a ton of LEGO, a Simon and Garfunkel CD, and an old book that published all poems written by kids in primary schools, back forever ago. Mine's in there and it's a one about a lion and it was immense except they made a grammar error that wasn't originally mine. But I don't know what I've done with the book now so I can't read it out to you which has totally ruined my fucking anectode and I don't know why I'm swearing quite so much it must me the media cause they're only responsible for every other fucking thing. Anyway that had something to do with poems which is what Xanthe blogged about to get you lazy louts writing again. The truth is I'm not a big fan of poems and in my childhood I mostly read Roal Dahl over limericks, later I read a bit of John Cooper Clarke and some T.S Elliot but nothing really interesting to put here. Blogs would really be better if people didn't force you to do one and it just came naturally I think.
'The meek shall inherit the earth which is just as well because if he didn't he wouldn't really mind.'
Right, Twister, Roal Dahl, Lego... where a I going with this? Oh, yes, nowhere. I never really am I guess. Do you think identity is fixed or chosen? I spend time reading and writing songs, I like playing sports but don't play in a team because people take that stuff too seriously. I would like to have a better hobby, I don't know what, surfing, diving, BMXing, parcoring, juggling, fire-eating, it could be anything really. I'm going skiing in Austria instead of having any expensive Christmas presents and I only really started skiing because my family did and although I enjoy it, it's a bit fake. I quit religion but I'm not sure if anyone's noticed, this was just a way to be different if anything. I don't know, I'm getting tied up about whether people are really genuine or not, do I know what I'm saying? Probably not. People steal things a lot nowadays because it's so easy and socially acceptable now. I try not to, maybe I'd try to justify it by saying it's something over 40 years old and older folks criticises us kids for not being aware of such things. When I download something it never seems to work anyway, even when it's all the best software or whatever and this just makes me feel cheap and dirty, I hate computers. I'm not downloading anything now and I'm free of viruses and nasty stuff and there's plenty of space but everything is still horribly slow. And a lot of the time the computer just does things I don't understand and I don't think they could be understand, I don't need to tell you about that. I think it's time I stop rambling.
Stay fierce.
x
fuck off
Seriously, go away, I've had enough of it. I haven't had a seriously worthwhile e-mail in months, like University of Glamorgan that keeps emailing and sending letters like an obsessive stalker fan telling me to apply, and saying 'do not reply' but I did with the simple two words 'piss off' and they sent me a letter back saying 'thanks for your enquiry, there are plenty of ways of managing student finace, if you visit our website you can see our awards....' what's that all about? And people who take pictures of their crunched up bellies that momentarily resemble six-packs and set it as their msn picture, fuck off. And people who keep whining about their university applications and driving tests and individual investigations and essays, I really don't want to hear about it. And people who show off about knowing all of Hotel California on the electric guitar their mum bought them, not interested. And people who do nothing but stay at home criticising people's spelling and blogging about other people's annoying personal habits you can, well, never mind.
Anyway, I was looking in the Twister cupboard. (The door in my room that leads to a secret cavern like area where no one goes unless for Twister related party emergencies.) And found among many things, about a ton of LEGO, a Simon and Garfunkel CD, and an old book that published all poems written by kids in primary schools, back forever ago. Mine's in there and it's a one about a lion and it was immense except they made a grammar error that wasn't originally mine. But I don't know what I've done with the book now so I can't read it out to you which has totally ruined my fucking anectode and I don't know why I'm swearing quite so much it must me the media cause they're only responsible for every other fucking thing. Anyway that had something to do with poems which is what Xanthe blogged about to get you lazy louts writing again. The truth is I'm not a big fan of poems and in my childhood I mostly read Roal Dahl over limericks, later I read a bit of John Cooper Clarke and some T.S Elliot but nothing really interesting to put here. Blogs would really be better if people didn't force you to do one and it just came naturally I think.
'The meek shall inherit the earth which is just as well because if he didn't he wouldn't really mind.'
Right, Twister, Roal Dahl, Lego... where a I going with this? Oh, yes, nowhere. I never really am I guess. Do you think identity is fixed or chosen? I spend time reading and writing songs, I like playing sports but don't play in a team because people take that stuff too seriously. I would like to have a better hobby, I don't know what, surfing, diving, BMXing, parcoring, juggling, fire-eating, it could be anything really. I'm going skiing in Austria instead of having any expensive Christmas presents and I only really started skiing because my family did and although I enjoy it, it's a bit fake. I quit religion but I'm not sure if anyone's noticed, this was just a way to be different if anything. I don't know, I'm getting tied up about whether people are really genuine or not, do I know what I'm saying? Probably not. People steal things a lot nowadays because it's so easy and socially acceptable now. I try not to, maybe I'd try to justify it by saying it's something over 40 years old and older folks criticises us kids for not being aware of such things. When I download something it never seems to work anyway, even when it's all the best software or whatever and this just makes me feel cheap and dirty, I hate computers. I'm not downloading anything now and I'm free of viruses and nasty stuff and there's plenty of space but everything is still horribly slow. And a lot of the time the computer just does things I don't understand and I don't think they could be understand, I don't need to tell you about that. I think it's time I stop rambling.
Stay fierce.
x
A Disastrous Common Room Blog
I haven't got anything to blog about.
So you know this blog is going to be good.
Here are some things you don't know about me:
So you know this blog is going to be good.
Here are some things you don't know about me:
- I have two penises and a vagina
- I am one hundred and twenty six years old.
- I shit roughly two dozen times a day.
- My nose is a result of a rare skin disease
- I am a black man
- I can summon meerkats to fight for me when the need arises.
- When I get drunk I foam purple at the mouth
- I invented Connect 4. Originally Connect 19.
- I'm a typrewriter and I hate technology
- The back of my head is a door to Narnia
- Your mum
- Your mum
- I once fell off the planet, I'm ok now though.
- There is a small man in my head called Simon who controls my thoughts.
See You Space Cowboys....
Monday 7 December 2009
A Christmas Post (With Rhyming)
A timid sentence on the tip of my tongue,
If I word it too soon I'll be jumping the gun
Yet if I state it to late it then it may not relate,
So I'll post it in a little blog, and let what's done be done.
Yes today, my torrenting, commenting friends,
I'll be speaking in rhyme and I'll hope you'll attend
To this wonderfully lyrical, satirical ball
Where I express my opinion on life, the world and all.
Yes the rhyming scheme's irregular and the meters rarely fit.
But it beats some proseless, senseless script, so I shout -"to hell with it!"
Not literally though, I'll have you know, because that would be strange.
So anyhow, I'll answer now, to the question on your lips,
Why is it that I converse in verse? Have I finally lost my grip?
Is this fanciful post a literary boast? In short: well.... yeah I guess.
But trust me there's more, and so I'll show you the score -if you don't mind reading the next bit.
For many a week, my blog has been bare- as I'm sure you might know,
And as apology posts are thin and spare I thought I'd give it go
A little something to show I care, plus, I'm sure you find this too,
No matter what curses, complaints or taboos, the limerick can't fail to look cute.
Now that I've just got in to the sway,
I'm afraid I have nothing to say.
A cheesy festive sign-off line is on call,
So Merry Christmas you slags, one and all.
x
If I word it too soon I'll be jumping the gun
Yet if I state it to late it then it may not relate,
So I'll post it in a little blog, and let what's done be done.
Yes today, my torrenting, commenting friends,
I'll be speaking in rhyme and I'll hope you'll attend
To this wonderfully lyrical, satirical ball
Where I express my opinion on life, the world and all.
Yes the rhyming scheme's irregular and the meters rarely fit.
But it beats some proseless, senseless script, so I shout -"to hell with it!"
Not literally though, I'll have you know, because that would be strange.
So anyhow, I'll answer now, to the question on your lips,
Why is it that I converse in verse? Have I finally lost my grip?
Is this fanciful post a literary boast? In short: well.... yeah I guess.
But trust me there's more, and so I'll show you the score -if you don't mind reading the next bit.
For many a week, my blog has been bare- as I'm sure you might know,
And as apology posts are thin and spare I thought I'd give it go
A little something to show I care, plus, I'm sure you find this too,
No matter what curses, complaints or taboos, the limerick can't fail to look cute.
Now that I've just got in to the sway,
I'm afraid I have nothing to say.
A cheesy festive sign-off line is on call,
So Merry Christmas you slags, one and all.
x
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